Winding Down

A few nights ago, I was out on the deck at around 4 am. I was chatting with the karaoke host, she has been going through a rough patch relationship-wise and I’ve been offering my advice to her. After an intense talk about the expectations of relationships, I mentioned the allure of the ocean. It’s really hypnotizing; every time I see it I have this strange urge to toss myself into it. Now, before you start getting concerned about me having suicidal thoughts, she said she feels the exact same way and I know we’re not the only ones. There is something comforting about its vastness that fills me with a desire to be consumed by it. This must be where that old myth about sirens comes from; it is really like the ocean is beckoning me to it with a seductive song of death.

And this seduction pushes itself far past death, into the loins of the ship. The rhythm of the waves fills the staff with an insatiable lust; sex is practically all we talk about here. My co-workers are filled with a covetous confusion, obscuring what the actually want from themselves. Some of my new friends are absolutely clueless as to what they want from a partner. People are leaving in a few weeks but establishing what seems to be serious relationships, others are turning down women left and right because they don’t want an empty lay but they don’t want a girlfriend either. Some of my co-workers cheat on their significant others who are waiting back at home, others try to bang guests every cruise, and others sleep with people they don’t like just because they can. Those lucky enough to find a partner on the ship fall into extremely intense relationships and spend virtually all their free time together. Some have learned to stay away from the other sex all together due to the unavoidable grapevine on the ship. Who’s fucking who is a frequent topic of discussion, so once someone knows it’s more or less public knowledge.

The men on the ship vastly outnumber the women, so you kind of need to get chosen by a girl for anything to happen. I can feel eyes beginning to fall onto me. It seems the closer you are to the end of your contract, the more desirable you become. I guess it makes sense; almost no one out here wants a serious relationship, and dealing with the awkwardness of having to see an old fling every day is something that no one wants. There are girls I have my eyes on, but the majority of them are unavailable, and honestly I’m not very keen on pursuing something. If it fell into my lap (haha) I would consider it, but as of right now, I’m cool as a cucumber.

As far as my post-resignation social life is concerned, I am much happier than I was a few weeks ago. Knowing that my contract is soon up has filled me with outgoingness, which basically means I’ve been drinking. A lot. I think I’ve been up binging until 4 am (at least) every day this week. A few nights ago, I go so drunk that I had to purge, so I pulled the trigger and felt like I was a senior in high school all over again. My drinking isn’t really driven by a desire to get drunk, just to alleviate boredom. Ship life is dull as I have previously written, so I’ve been avoiding that reality by sleeping all day and drinking myself into a stupor at night. It’s not nearly as bad as it sounds, I’ve had some fantastic times doing it, and some hazy mornings. It feels empty because it is, but it’s better to share emptiness with others than in my room by myself.

I’ve been spending a lot of my nights with the showband singer and one of the male dancers. They are both total sweethearts and fun to be around. The past few nights we’ve sat in the singer’s room ‘til the wee hours talking about whatever it is that drunken people talk about. Besides the two of them, there are a few ladies who work in the spa (they’re called “Steiners” officially) who are cute and like to hang out with the musicians, and the art auction workers are a lot of fun and easy to talk to. I’ve befriended a few of the other dancers as well. They are a diverse bunch, some of them are great and others are borderline psychopathic. This coming week the new cast is coming to the ship, and thus begins what a few people have called the “dancer derby.” As I said earlier, sex is mostly what we musicians talk about, so in the coming days there will be a half-joke of a race to see who can get one of the new girls first.

Besides drinking in excess, we’ve spent some nights playing Settlers. I’ve gotten a small group of people to know the game, and we’ve played enough that they’ve actually learned its intricacies. Co-op videogames are also pretty common, as well as music listening/hard-drive exchange parties. Sometimes, a group of us will cram into a room and watch a movie on our 15inch televisions. A few nights ago there was a wine & cheese party in the piano bar, and the pianist played us a set of rock standards, it was quite fun. A few nights before that one, we made a trip up to the “fancy” steakhouse on board. The food was decent to pretty good; my steak was a bit bland but cooked just how I like it. The highlight of my meal was probably dessert. I had house-made mango sorbet that was phenomenal but the portion size was laughable, smaller than a gumball. After that, one of the trumpet players and I split an over-priced glass of cognac. The bottle had never been opened, and the drink was served to us steamed, which wafted a heady aroma into our face as we drank it. The buzz was light and airy, much unlike the belligerence of whiskey that I’ve been used to here.

As things get closer and closer to the end of my contract, the band is really starting to fool around with the material more. At karaoke, we’ve started to switch instruments. I plunk notes out on the keyboard while the pianist has fun playing sloppy drum beats. We play a few rudimentary hip hop songs where the band basically just loops a sample the whole time, so those are kinda begging to be shat upon. As for the dance sets, I’ve been getting more and more creative with the beats I’m playing. The paper for most of the songs is BORING, and I could stand the rote playing for only so long. I’ve been tossing inverted paradiddles in a lot, I like those things. Apparently, I have absolutely no room to improvise on the production shows though. I played out a little bit during our last one, and P promptly told me to stop in a friendly yet passive-aggressive manner. I was feeling mopey about it, so the second show I just kinda went on autopilot. The rest of the rhythm section has room to do some improvisation, so that got me a bit mad that the drummer is always the one at fault. P has a tendency to scrutinize my mistakes and let everyone else’s slide, but I realized it’s silly to get upset about it. I’ll be leaving in two weeks, so it’s not worth it to get dark about stuff like that.   

On the other hand, the jazz sets have been cool. Last week, I did not play my best. There was a total lack of communication amongst the players, and that, combined with a dearth of jazz experience led to a pretty lackluster set. However, tonight there was much better communication between musicians. Tonight, while I was not satisfied with the solos I played at all, they were significantly better than what I have played in the past few weeks.  Unfortunately, most of the musicians are just expecting me to play along to whatever they are doing and no experiment along with the music. Honestly, I have 2 weeks left here, and I don’t want to play underneath people when it comes to jazz. Sure, in more concrete performances I’ll play out less, but when things are left up to us, I won’t give a damn about anything at all except playing the way I want to. Tonight, I got some weird looks from the rhythm section because I wasn’t letting them off easy by keeping straight time. Granted, I made some rhythmic mistakes, but I refuse to just be a background player for them. They are all extremely skilled musicians, probably much better than I am from an objective standpoint, but I refuse to ignore my musical voice because they don’t want to count. This ensemble has two more weeks to play this set; hopefully we will form into something more cohesive in the coming shows. Right now, it just feels like a bunch of egos, mine included, butting against each other.

With only two weeks left, there are parts of this job that make me totally regret quitting, and others that make me feel that these last two weeks can’t end soon enough. I’ll make the best out of the time I have here, and the music we make will hopefully be enjoyable. Until next time, this is drunk me signing off.

-D 

One Foot Out The Door

So Yeah, I’ve quit. As I said last week, I gave my notice a few hours after posting. It went much smoother than I expected it to.  I told P that I was leaving for a job in another field, and he, having worked in the culinary arts in the past, took it well. He was much less stressed about it than I anticipated him to be, saying that he appreciated the notice I was giving and that ship life is definitely not for everyone. He nonchalantly printed off the resignation paperwork, and we made small talk about that kid who got shot for wearing a hoodie.

The paperwork included my exit “interview.” I had to answer questions you would expect a large corporation to ask it’s leaving employees, like “What could we have changed to prevent you from leaving?”, “What do you think of your direct supervisor?”, and “Describe the morale in your department.” I saw this as an opportunity to open up a line of communication between P and the cruise director. As I said earlier, there is some tension between the two, so I spoke my mind in a polite and constructive manner. Since filling out the paperwork, things seem much better between the two of them. Afterwards, P checked the “employment terminated mid-contract” box, which basically means the company won’t hire me back after I leave, we shook hands and I left.

The next day I was called back to his office/room to clarify some of my responses. P was a bit concerned about a comment I made about tension between middle and upper management. We spoke about the difficulties of keeping professional distance in an environment where your co-workers are your only social outlet, and how he can’t really speak about his issues with the cruise director with the musicians. It was productive, but I felt that maybe I should have bit my tongue during the interview just to avoid conflict. I mean, I’m leaving in a few weeks and then I’ll never have to deal with these issues again, why bother with them now? When we were done speaking, he showed me a flash video called “ship of darkness” that is about disgruntled musicians and ship life. It was funny, and I grabbed it from him, so when I get home I can show people what it was like to live on the ship.

I was a bit concerned about how I was going to tell my co-workers. I waited a day or two before I started running my mouth. The first person I spoke to was the karaoke host, a middle aged woman who was recently laid off, so she sold her house and came out to the ship. We were eating lunch together and it just seemed like the right moment to let the cat out, she was understanding and told me to follow what I wanted to do.  Then I started to let the musicians know over the course of the next few days. Everyone was surprised that I was leaving, but when I explained that I found another job that is more in line with my desired career path, they seemed cool with it but simultaneously disappointed. Since then, I’ve been letting a select few people know as it comes up, but I don’t really plan on spreading the word too much. I’m not very well known on the ship, so I doubt many people would be interested in my departure.

The few days after I quit, it was hard to motivate myself to really play out. Instead, I’ve kind of just been going through the motions yet again. Now that I really know the production shows, I don’t really need to read along with them anymore. I get through them pretty well this way, but there are still a few hits that I miss or a fill that isn’t played exactly as it’s written. Honestly, no matter how well I play, the band is wallpaper for the production shows. We are one of the only ensembles in the fleet that is actually in the house speakers when the shows are going on. Most sound guys just play the backing tracks and mute the band, but we are at about 30% volume to 70% backing. Even with this, we still don’t really matter, and if we were to not play at all, it really wouldn’t be a big deal. Because of this, I try to just not make any glaring mistakes and not play in any holes. I am at the point where I can do this without the sheet music, so instead of trying to learn the drum solos note for note, or get every 16^th note exactly right, I just go with it and it turns out well enough.

As for the karaoke sets, they are what they are. I have a bit more creative freedom during these, but I am still playing to a click and not playing like I mean it. Our most requested songs are “Margaritaville” and “Sweet Caroline,” but during karaoke this past week, we’ve had a lot of young girls singing Ke$ha, Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. The songs we play are not stimulating for the band at all, and are meant to be dumbed down versions of pop songs that are easy for the guests to follow. One moment stands out that epitomizes the disconnect between musicians and the singers; this one 11 year old boy came up and sang “DJ got us falling in Love” by Usher. For this song I play four on the floor, with occasional snare hits on 2 and 4, real boring stuff. Well, the entire crowd went BALLISTIC for this kid; the dance floor was fuller than it has ever been, even for the dance sets. Afterwards, I had a chat with the keyboardist about the power of shitty club music, and how people go nuts for it. I guess not everyone has good musical tastes. Tomorrow I have to play songs like that for three hours. Doing this is much more draining than playing music I want to be playing; I leave those sets feeling sluggish and unfulfilled.

I want to elaborate a bit more on the dance sets. As I’ve said before, it is a collection of accessible Motown, Disco and RocknRoll. We try to pick music that everyone will know and enjoy. Sometimes, the production singers will come up and do a few songs with us, but mostly it is our showband singer doing the songs. Here is the setlist for our last set in no particular order…

She Drives Me Crazy – Fine Young Cannibals

I’m So Excited – The Pointer Sisters

Mustang Sally – Wilson Pickett

Locomotion – Little Eva

I Can’t Help Myself – The Four Tops

Sway – Dean Martin

Shake Your Tail Feather – Blues Brothers

The Greatest Love of All – Whitney Houston

Respect – Otis Reading

Rescue Me – Fontella Bass

Last Dance – Donna Summer

Get ready – Rare Earth

Neither One of Us – Gladys Knight & The Pips

Shake Your Booty – KC & The Sunshine Band

What’d I Say – Ray Charles

Wooly Bully – Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs

Ooh Baby Baby – Linda Ronstadt

Sunshine of my Life – Stevie Wonder

I Wish – Stevie Wonder

Late in the Evening – Paul Simon

Midnight Train to Georgia – Gladys Knight & The Pips

Walking on Sunshine – Katrina & The Waves

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

Here are some of the songs that we didn’t play for the last performance but are standards for the set…

Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus

Ain’t too Proud to Beg – The Temptations

Brown Eyed Girl – Jimmy Buffet

Brick House – The Commodores

Crazy Little Thing Called Love – Queen

Celebration – Cool and the Gang

Crazy – Patsy Cline

Chain of Fools – Aretha Franklin

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me – Elton John

Disco Inferno – Tina Turner

Electric Slide – Marica Griffith

Freeway of Love – Aretha Franklin

Heard it Through the Grapevine – Marvin Gaye

Georgia – Ray Charles

Get Over It – The Eagles

I Feel Good – James Brown

It Had to be You – Classy Brass

Johnny B. Goode – Chuck Berry

Land of 1000 Dances – Wilson Picket

Love Shack – B-52s

Louie Louie – The Kingsmen

Mony, Mony – Billy Idol

My Girl – The Temptations

New York, New York – Frank Sinatra

Only You – The Platters

Old Time Rock & Roll – Bob Seger

Pretty Woman – Roy Orbison

Play That Funky Music White Boy – Wild Cherry

Proud Mary – Ike & Tina Turner

R.O.C.K. in the USA – John Mellencamp

Soul Man – Blues Brothers

Sweet Home Chicago – Blues Brothers

She Works Hard for the Money – Donna Summer

Sharp Dressed Man – Z Z Top

Sir Duke – Stevie Wonder

Save the Last Dance for Me – Michael Bublé

September – Earth, Wind & Fire

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay – Otis Redding

Shout – Otis Redding

The Twist – Chubby Checker

Twist & Shout – The Isley Brothers

That’s the Way I Like It – KC & the Sunshine Band

Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton

Walk the Dinosaur – Was (Was Not)

What is Hip? – Tower of Power

YMCA – Village People

123 – Miami Sound Machine

25 or 6 to 4 - Chicago

There are about 30 more songs in our book that we only play occasionally. As you can see, it’s a pretty diverse mix of recognizable pop music from the 50s through the 80s. The music, save for a few songs, is pretty boring for the drummer. I mostly play backbeats with basic eight-note bass drum patterns. I throw in some ghost notes and fills to keep it a bit more interesting, but there is only so much I can do before drawing the focus away from the singer and the melody.  Regardless, this set feels more like actually making music than the other two do because there is no click and the sheet music is much less rigid.

This past week I was on Port Manning, which means I couldn’t leave the ship. Basically, if an emergency happens while we’re in port; the ship needs to know that some of the crew will be on board to assist with the evacuation. Part of my duty was to perform “just ask” during embarkation day. Basically, the passengers turn their brains off as soon as they get on the ship, so we help them read maps and signs that are posted all over the ship. I stood by the elevators and told people we “You’re on the second floor, the buffet is on the ninth floor!” about 200 times. The whole week was a bit boring, but I didn’t get claustrophobic like I expected myself to. What I did do was sleep, a lot, like 13 hours a day. We visited Costa Maya for the only time during my contract, so my MD gave me his ID and let me get off the ship there. It was basically exactly like the other ports, very touristy. Everyone saw my skin and saw the color of money, so that was a bit annoying, but I got to sit on the beach while I surfed the internet and read, so I can’t really complain at all.

We had a new fly on this past week, JD. He was a nice guy, but not the best singer. We rehearsed for about two hours before the performance then it was show time. I don’t like that aspect of this job very much. As with anything, with a performance, you get what you put into it. Putting only two hours of rehearsal into something usually results in a sloppy and unprepared show, but I guess that’s all the time we have to devote to a one-time thing like this. As you could probably guess, the show was meh at best.

During my exit interview, I spoke with P about some of these things I just mentioned. What it boiled down to was that the musicians are just not fulfilled by the music we are playing. A few days later, the cruise director called a meeting to talk to us about adding another set to our schedule. He said that for this one, we could do anything that we wanted. We settled on a real book set, so we threw together a list of standards and rehearsed them briefly. Oh man, it was sooo good to finally play some jazz! This was the first time that I fully performed on the ship, I was playing out like I never have on this gig. The other musicians finally “got” my drumming, and the response to the set was overwhelmingly positive. It will be quite nice to have this outlet for my last few weeks on the ship. My only gripe is that I never got a chance to play a drum solo, what’s up with that?

So, I only have three or four weeks left on the boat, I’m trying to make it as enjoyable as possible, so I’ve been spending time with the people I’ve gotten to know and I’m introducing myself to those I’ve been meaning to meet. A few nights ago I had a listening party with a few of the musicians, we stayed up until 4 in the morning just playing each other songs; it was pretty fun. Moments like those make me think twice about my decision to leave. I have thought once or twice that I would like to stay, but that is only natural when making such a life altering decision like I am. I have thought much more about how amazing of an opportunity I have coming up with this new job, and how I am going to run such a tight yet fun kitchen.

Today I went snorkeling in the Grand Cayman. It was much nicer than the snorkeling in Roatan; there were many more fish and the reef was much bigger. At the dive off point, there were a bunch of huge Tarpon, they must have been like 4 feet long. It was a bit intimidating diving off and having these fish who could seriously mess you up right there. They were docile though, they hang out there because the dive center keeps them fed as a tourist attraction. The solo guitarist and I stayed out at the reef for about an hour, it was relaxing to swim a bit and see some big schools of fish.

Those yellow fish are about the size of ones that would be in an average home aquarium

Grand Cayman Fish Market with fillets that were caught today

Ships anchored off of Grand Cayman

A few of the many diamond shops the Caymans have to offer

That’s pretty much it for this past week.

Love from the Gulf,

-D

Notice

Well, I guess I’ll get right into it. Tomorrow morning I am giving my notice, I have a meeting with P at 8 am. Right now, I’m not really sure how much I will give, somewhere between three and six weeks depending on how the conversation goes. But man, am I DREADING it. I’ve only really quit a job once before, and it was not pleasant. There was a lot of “Are you going to not show up next week or are you going to be a man?” and while my boss on the ship is nothing like that, I know there will be a lot of stress and disappointment associated with my notice. P is a strung out guy, he is constantly sweating the small stuff, and I really don’t want to put more on his plate; but I’m positive I want to leave at this point. The only thing that would be keeping me here is the desire to not upset people by giving my notice, and that is definitely not where I want to be.

To prepare for the meeting, I typed out a quick ditty so I have a more concrete idea of what to say. There are no printers here and I don’t know exactly when I’ll leave, so it isn’t a resignation letter by any means. It is as follows….

“I am informing you of my __ weeks’ notice. I want you to know that this is not spur of the moment decision. When I first arrived, we spoke about my concerns about working here, and I left that conversation with a desire to really give a chance to life on the ship. After having done this, I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that it is not for me. This has not been an easy decision to make, as I respect you both as a supervisor and a musician, and I like the band members.  

I don’t feel this living environment or the occupation of professional musician is a good fit. I was offered an opportunity with another employer that is more in line with my current life goals and chosen career path. I want to thank you for providing me with this opportunity, and I have learned a lot in my short time here.”

After I paraphrase this, I foresee P rubbing his face a lot and asking me a few frantic questions.

The thing I am dreading the most is the period after giving my resignation. I know the alternative is to leave the band high and dry, but giving around a month’s notice is going to be trying. I am going to continue to perform the music as best I can, and I want to be present, but I can’t help but thinking that my mind will be elsewhere. I also have no idea how this will impact the relationships with the other musicians, who knows, maybe it will improve them because I’ll give less of a shit about things. All I know is that in the past, working after giving resignation has been awkward and I hope it is not this way on the ship.

So this other job… a few posts ago I wrote about a job offer from a conference center I used to work at and me turning it down. A few days after that, I called them up again and asked whether the job, kitchen supervisor, was still open. They told me that unfortunately it was not, but, the position of assistant food service manager/executive chef was. Essentially, it’s the boss of the position I was originally offered. So, I applied and got it. I thought it would be a no brainer when the offer arrived, and initially it was, but then I had a few good days on the ship and I was not so sure anymore, so I held off until now to really make a decision.   

Honestly, I had apprehensions about leaving when I first got the e-mail. I was very back and forth for the following days, but after letting my thoughts about it form and talking it out with a few people, leaving seems like the obvious choice. While things have been improving socially, this just isn’t my scene at all. I've spoken about all my issues with the social dynamic here, so I won't bore you with a rehash. At this new job I’ll have more responsibilities, more freedom in the workplace to accomplish tasks independently, get paid more, and have six months of excellent resume building. Even so, it wasn't until today when I finally decided that it was time to start leaving this place.

Life on the ship has been pretty much the same as it has been. I had a fairly debaucherous night a few days ago where I stayed up until five drinking. It was fun but I had a multiple day hangover that I finally recovered from this morning. We also played the best dance set since I’ve been here this past Friday, it was a good feeling but honestly I was a bit desensitized to it. I’m not really invested in the music we play so executing it well doesn’t reward me as much as I would like it to. Meh, I guess it is a job so I can’t really complain about creative fulfillment.

The drama I spoke about in the last post has blown over a bit, and I can play with real drumsticks again, but now I see that the issues we had are indicative of some workplace tension. The cruise director seems to be bullish, and P seems to be his favorite target. I like the both of them individually, but there is some deep seeded tension between those two. At first I thought was just a mock-rivalry to entertain the guests. However, having been around it for several weeks, now it seems more like serious contention painted over with the veneer of a customer service worker’s forced smiles. Be it superfluous rules, unnecessary micro-management, or just plain passive aggressiveness, the two of them have some issues with each other that they need to talk about, but you and I know that it is unlikely they will resolve this.

But it’s not only those two; I’ve spoken with other members of the entertainment department, and they all seem to have similar problems with their supervisors. Maybe this is just the way the professional entertainment industry is, filled with divas and control freaks, I have not had enough jobs in the field to know. Even if it isn’t, realizing the way things here actually are has been a large factor in my decision to leave. Hopefully, I can take the things I’ve learned here and apply them in my new job where I will have a supervisory role.

This coming week I am on port manning, which means I cannot leave the ship when we get into port, even Tampa. I have to do “Just ask,” which entails me standing in the lobby for a few hours and getting asked questions by guests, should be boring. The schedule for this coming week is not set in stone yet because of a new port of call we are visiting. I don’t really know what my workload will be like but it probably won’t be particularly heavy.

I have a meeting in five hours. I’m going to get some shuteye. G’night.

Shaping Up

Up until now I’ve been treating this blog as a catharsis of sorts. I tend to only have a drive to write about my life when I’m feeling negatively. Lately, it’s been a bit more apparent to me that I’m just trying to be negative to write something, hence the last post which was essentially a free write of me grasping for things to complain about. So, because of this, I’ve painted a pretty bleak picture of my life on the ship. Even when I was talking about things that I enjoyed, there was always a pessimistic slant to it. It hasn’t been all black clouds and trolls though, so I wanted to use this post to maybe paint a more positive picture of what’s going on here.

This past week has been a huge improvement for me socially. It’s funny, once I found a few people I connected with, others are just more drawn to me. I think a lot of it has to do with the newer musicians in the band, I just found it easier to click with them, and then through them I have branched out. Whatever it is, I feel a bit better about being in this place now. I just feel more upbeat and have actually been enjoying parts of being here. Besides the social improvement, I think I’m generally in a less miserable place. I guess people pick up on that type of thing.

I have been going to the bar a bit more. It’s still a pretty unpleasant place and I don’t like it, but it seems to be the only real place to socialize that the crew has on the ship. The past few times have been ok, I’ve went with a group of the musicians that I’m starting to get closer with, which eases the awkwardness of being there.

In the weeks preceding this present one, I had really checked out of what I was doing. Sure I was doing a decent job, but I just wasn’t there when I was playing. It was hard for me to get invested in the songs because they weren’t my thing or whatever other excuse I was giving myself at the time. Now that I am more comfortable, I have been getting into the music a bit more. I’ve moved away from the mechanical playing I was doing and towards a more groove-centric style. Granted, I’ve never really been about grooving, I think in general the groove has been done to death, and if I could be playing any kind of music I wanted to, it would not be just a 4/4 dance tune. However, the style of music they have me playing on the ship demands a heavy groove, so I play one. The new bassist has only been here for a week, and he commented to me that he has seen a large improvement in my groove in only the week he’s been here, which is nice to hear.

However, this past week was not without its negatives. There has been escalating tension in the entertainment department over the volume of the band. This all came to a head a few nights ago when the cruise director sat in the sound booth for a production show. He thought parts of the band were too loud, so he talked the sound guy about it, who then talked to P and that sparked some drama between the two of them. On top of that, the lead vocalist recently started attending the production supervisor meetings, and he wanted more volume in the singers’ earpieces. Unfortunately, the volume is already as high as it will go without feeding back with the band. So, obviously, the solution that was proposed was to make the band play softer. The dance captain backed him up, saying that the dancers are used to playing with the click track, not the band, so the quieter the band is the better. The silly thing about this is that I play MUCH softer than the past drummer did and the new bassist plays much quieter than the older one. So, the question the band asked when we were confronted with this was “Why is this suddenly a problem now? We’ve been playing the show the same for the past four months…”

So, P had us do a trail run of the show at a very quiet volume. I played with acoustic sticks, the horns turned their mics off and all the amped instruments turned way down. The performance had no energy at all, and the whole band was kind of upset about it. After that, we played an emotionally charged dance set and brought down the house. We did the same “fake” playing for the next few production shows. This caused the cruise director to back down on what he said about us being too loud, so P and the sound guy had a chat and things were resolved. Then P got the band together and came clean about what was going on in the department; he is frustrated because the other departments within entertainment are trying to micromanage the musicians. I think him talking to us unified the band. When I first got here, there was a lot of unresolved tension. Everyone was kind of in a dark place and they all blamed P for what was going on. Now, things seem to be less tension-ridden, which probably has something to do with my newfound social success.

It’s funny; I don’t really have much of desire to write when I’m feeling good about things. I think I draw a lot of my creative energy from depression and negativity. To me, this post lacks the emotional umph that the past few have had. Either way, I can’t complain about life here right now, it’s actually looking up. Unfortunately, I just received a job offer that is going to throw a wrench in things. I need a few days to mull over what to do. I will probably write about this whole decision soon.

Until Then! 

Waaaahhhhhh! Waaahhhhhhh!

And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.

-Kurt Vonnegut

So, I’m on a ship, right? A heavenly pen of steel and plastic designed to suck money out of people; a place where I blame my own social isolation on so-called culture and others. I have never been good at putting myself out there. Friends for me happen over a long period of time, where I slowly grow on them. Women I have relationships with are always ones I have known for a long period of time, usually with a drawn out flirtation and long periods of time spent apart during the courtship. I think most people find me difficult to understand, I’ve been told multiple times that someone thought I had no sense of humor when they first met me because I’m so dry and distant. I don’t know if it’s a fear of putting myself out there, a process where I put a wall up around myself to assess people, or something else, but when I’m somewhere new I never feel comfortable. Maybe I am being myself, and I’m just a reserved person at first. Regardless of what it is, this process of mine makes awful first impressions, and then when I’m ready to come out of it, it’s always an uphill battle to get past all that and form relationships. That’s where I’m at right now.

My dreaming life has been dominated by both the cruise ship and isolation. Last night I had a dream where, from what I can remember, the show-band played the music for a performance from the audience. The production was all about firemen, there was much improvisation by the dancers and singers and they all were having a blast doing it. The music for the show was mostly by Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra and Dolly Parton. At the climax of the show, there is a part where one dancer flings another onto the catwalk of the stage (which doesn’t exist in real life,) using a ladder, it was all quite impressive. The whole band comes on stage for that part, everyone but me was off to the sides; I was smack dab front and center, all alone, blocking the audience’s view of the spectacle. No one had told me about the stage directions. At the end of the show, everyone was chatting and laughing about the show, I was left alone to break down the drumset.

I have a predisposition to blame these things on outside factors, a psychological phenomenon called “external attribution.” In textbooks, this tendency is correlated with a stronger self-image and higher self-esteem, basically saving face. “Internal attribution” is when you blame yourself, and is linked to lower self-esteem.  However, both require a degree of delusional thinking; obviously things are always a combination of yourself and the environment. I want to say it’s time for me to stop blaming other things and take responsibility for my own aloofness, but there is a disconnect between words and actions. I have said that it’s time to pull myself out of my own introversion many times, but I’ve found it to only be a temporary fix, if one at all. Time and time again, I withdraw back into my own world.  

But honestly, all this navel-gazing is just mental masturbation. This week we got a new bass player who shares my name. He is a friendly French-Canadian with wavy auburn locks, likes goofy music and seems like he will fit in with the younger crowd of musicians here. Even though he has done multiple contracts before, it’s reassuring to watch other people have the same troubles I had with their first week on a ship. We played a dance set two days ago and he was stumbling over everything. The music did not feel particularly good, but the Captain of the ship came to our set, stayed the whole night and then shook the P’s hand after the show, saying that he enjoyed it a lot. That must count for something.

The new bassist was supposed to be my new roommate, but there was some drama between the newer sax player and the guitarist. Apparently, the sax player was trying to sleep when the guitarist brought a girl back to the room. Sax guy was not happy about this and kicked her out after a little bit. Then there was a great deal of tension and a confrontation; the two of them are not speaking now, so I got the sax player and the guitarist got the bassist. I like my new roommate; we live together well and have similar interests. He reminds me a lot of a more talkative version of my little cousin Drew. He is monotonic yet friendly, likes playing jazz, and decked the room out with a nice entertainment system. It’s nice to be living with someone closer to my age.

I am on the tail end of two days off in a row. I spent the majority of my time reading. I re-read Slaughterhouse Five in a 24 hour period, hence the overblown cynicism, self-awareness and quote at the beginning of this post. I did most of my reading out on Lido Deck and picked up a lovely sunburn on my legs during the process. I also spent some time exploring Grand Cayman a bit more but didn’t really find anything worthwhile, except some of those famous offshore banks. It does not feel good to do pretty much nothing with your time off, especially when you spend your time on doing mostly nothing as well. I know I complain about this A LOT, and it must be kinda dull for the people who read this blog, so I apologize, but constantly being unoccupied is a lot harder than it sounds.

The difficulty of being on a ship, for me at least does not come from the work, which is astoundingly easy, or the lifestyle, which is laid back and repetitive. The challenge comes from inward; the trouble I have with initial connections with people and my constant desire to withdraw or bite my tongue. Dealing with this is more frustrating than it is hard. People have continuously told me that life is about connections with your fellow humans, and when I have difficulty doing this it makes me feel like crap. I guess our society values extroversion, so when I can’t do that at first, the socialized part of my brain tells me I’m failing. I know that I must come off as snotty or holier-than-thou to a lot of people on this boat, and that they are right in distancing themselves from me, but honestly I don’t know what else to do. I have tried faking friendliness and warmth, and that hasn’t worked well for me either.

Buuuuuuut, honestly, stuff is not that bad. I am slowly forming bonds and things are improving, I’m just being a little bitch right now.

Love you all! Toodles!

Belize and the End of the First Month

So this week has been much less stressful work wise. A month in, I have all the material under my belt, but because of that I’ve had a lot of trouble focusing. It’s tough to motivate myself to continue to put effort into this music, because most of it is not very stimulating for the drums; kick on 1&3, Snare on 2&4, 8s on the hi-hit, rinse and repeat. Because I’m checked out of what I’m playing, I’ve been making silly mental errors. It’s frustrating on the one hand, but the entire band messes up. Sometimes they make huge, obvious errors, other times it is very subtle stuff, but when I make a mistake, it is much more out in the open. Maybe I’m just more attuned to recognizing percussive mistakes, but when I skip a beat, the audience knows. When a horn player skips a beat, there are 4 other horns playing the same line, so the audience doesn't notice.

On Thursday, I ventured out into Belize for the first time. There was a 15 minute boat ride into the port, and as we approached, the water turned from the brilliant turquoise of Caribbean seas to the familiar, polluted green-brown that I know from New Jersey. The area around the dock was your standard tourist fare, cheesy t-shirts and souvenirs that bastardize the indigenous culture for profit. The whole place reminded me of a mall, complete with store-maps and unintimidating security. There was a marimba duo, a man dressed up in Mayan garb, and tropical cabana-bars selling the local beer; the whole place felt fake. So I wandered past the ominous, barbed-wire fence into the real Belize.

Tourists shop for chocolate and diamonds at the Belize dock.

The locals began eyeing me as soon as I left the docks. I was white, had not tattered clothes and a backpack, so I must have looked like a dollar sign to them. I was offered weed almost immediately, and then again. It must have happened at least ten times during my time spent there. Two young boys sat on the curb, banging on buckets and tin cans with sticks of driftwood.  A three legged dog wandered the streets, begging for scraps and sifting through garbage. One dreadlocked man shook my hand, “Good for you for coming out to see the locals,” he slurred in a deep creole twang, “most tourists don’t venture out the gates,” I could see why.

Locals get off the bus in front of the courthouse.

There was a bridge, one local told me that they called it the money bridge, because on one side was the rich tourists, and the other side was the crime filled ghetto. From the bridge, the economic disparity was flagrant, with the run down fishing boats moored on one side, and the tourist charters on the other.

Fishing boats from the "money bridge."

When I crossed to the poor side, I was immediately approached by a man who insisted he was a tour guide. I said no thanks, but he followed me and began to tell me about a few of the sites around Belize City. Just like that, I was swindled into a tour I didn’t want to pay for. We passed the old British courthouse back from the colonial days, long since abandoned by government officials. He pointed out St. John’s Cathedral, the oldest church in Central America. Inside it felt more like a museum than a prayer house, complete with mandatory donations to enter.

St. John's Cathedral

He explained that Belize had a prime minister election the day before. The Democratic Party had won, and the corrupt Dean Barrow was re-elected. Remnants of the election still filled the city; signs painted in red about the failures of Barrow’s administration were hung on lampposts and banners displaying the voting results hung over main street. We passed the prime minister’s office, an angular post-modern villa made of stucco that stood out from the rest of the city’s run-down colonial architecture. As we finished our loop, he pointed out a spot where there had been a gang killing few days earlier.

Anti-Barrow campaign sign

My self-appointed tour guide stopped following me eventually, and I made my way back over the bridge, where I tried the local beer in an open-air dive and made my way back to the ship. We played the repeat guest’s party and then I ate dinner. One of the dancers who I had never met joined our table. The other musician sitting with us left for a minute and she had this look in her eyes that screamed “please don’t leave me alone with this kid.” I tried to relax the situation by making a joke about her fuzzy sweatshirt, but she just laughed dismissively and didn’t respond. I guess I’m an elusive person, but the coldness I experience here is pretty dehumanizing sometimes.

Friday we went to Carnival’s man-made beach in Honduras. One of the solo guitarists invited me to go snorkeling with him; it was the first time I’ve been in the ocean since I got here. The water was murky because there was a tanker drilling up sediment about half a mile from the beach. The snorkeling was a bit boring, but we went to a small reef and saw a few schools. When it was over we went to a buffet with jerk shrimp and lobster tails, it was great to eat real food again.

When I got back to the ship, a rehearsal was sprung on me, so I hurriedly washed the salt off my body and went to the theater. We went through the production singer’s replacement show because for some reason the show for that night had been canceled. It was another one of those fly by the seat of my pants moments. The show went well for not having rehearsed much. We had a dance set afterwards and it was a good one, lots of fun.  

Today was a very long day for a cruise ship musician. I worked a whole seven hours, and let me tell you I am out of practice. We had rehearsal for the show where guests sing in the morning. Then we played our farewell party which kinda sucked. I played well I suppose but the audience was not engaged at all so the set had no energy. Then we had three production shows tonight. The ones that were supposed to be yesterday got rescheduled to today, and the one that is normally today went on as well. Playing three of those was exhausting, there’s only so much fake music I can make before it starts to drive me a little crazy.

One thing I’ve been thinking about is the juxtaposition between my desire to be nomadic and my difficulty with new social situations. Why do I continue to place myself in places where I need to start from scratch when I know that I am not good at that? Maybe it’s just a product of getting older, but I’m ready to stop moving so much. The silly thing about it though, is now that I’m getting comfortable here, I want to leave! Well, I guess I wanted to leave as soon as I got here, but now the possibility of getting out of here seems much more real. I wanted to give this place a legitimate chance, and I did (I think.) Now that I’ve really got a feel for it, I thought I would be able to make a level headed decision about staying or not. Yet, at the closing of my first month here, I still have no idea if this job is for me or not. Most of the time I am pretty unhappy or bored, but there are moments of elation that make it difficult to make a decision about staying or going. It all really depends on what is waiting for me at home. We’ll see. 

Rough Seas

On a cruise ship, talking about the ocean is sort of like talking about the weather on the mainland. Everyone experiences it, it affects every part of our lives out here, and it’s something easy to fall back on if the conversation dies down. Apparently, rough seas are a pretty common occurrence, but this has been my first rocky cruise. Maybe it has something to do with all those crazy tornadoes in the south, but as I’m writing this, the boat is swaying from side to side quite a bit. Walking in a straight line is nearly impossible, with passengers and crew alike zigzagging through the corridors. It first got rocky Saturday night. We were playing our last show of the cruise and the dancers were visibly having some trouble with their footing. The lead dancer actually hurt herself during this show and has spent a lot of time this cruise re-blocking the shows so she wouldn’t have to perform in them.

This past Sunday I had a good time in Tampa. I explored a bit more and found a nice breakfast place. I chowed down hard: cranberry walnut pancakes with pure maple syrup, 2 eggs over-hard and some bacon.  I miss having well prepared breakfast food and that meal really hit the spot. From the restaurant window, I saw a field full of tents about a block away, so when I finished I went over to explore. Turns out there was an arts festival that weekend. It was lovely to walk through the tents and see all of the independent art from the area. The showing was diverse, with everything from screen printing to woodworking to photo manipulation to jewelry making. Most of it was nice, but there were a few stand-out booths; one guy made these huge wooden humanoid sculptures that had a stringy and tribal style, another took photos and made them into three dimensional prints using several panes of glass, and one woman was in her booth cutting and polishing opal for her handmade jewelry. My favorite booth was this older couple who made didgeridoos. Being a sucker for handmade instruments, I bought one.

It’s gorgeous, three sections of a hollowed-out bamboo stick. The middle section is stained a deep brown and the two outside ones are a golden hue with simple circular designs painted on it. The mouthpiece is coated in bee’s wax and the whole instrument evokes primitiveness. I like it, but have not had much of a chance to play it yet. After I had bought it, the couple played me a little song, the wife played flute beautifully and the husband shredded on the didgeridoo (I didn't even know that was possible.) Once I left the festival, I stopped at a coffee shop and talked with my sister for a bit before boarding the ship again. I taught her so well, she's going off to the Bahamas for spring break and is trying to arrange a trip to Vietnam with her biology professor. I'm so proud of my little vagabond...

We had rehearsal at four, where we began to prepare for a rocky cruise. When the seas get too rough, the dancers aren't allowed to perform and we have to find some other entertainment for the guests. One of the production singers had a show singing rock classics that he did on past contracts. This show would be the back-up for Monday’s production, so we rehearsed a bit of it, and I finally began to understand the true stressors of this job. This was the only time we would be rehearsing these songs, one or two runs and then its performance time. None of it was too hard, but the drum charts were terrible. Parts were notated in the wrong spots, things were left out and, in general, the singer wanted different things than what was written. It was a lot to internalize and keep track of in such a short amount of time.

When rehearsal ended, we got word that the dancers would have the night off, so the band would be on the stage for the welcome aboard show. No big deal. About ten minutes before the show, I get a call from my music director asking me if we had ever rehearsed this one chart. We hadn’t, but he still wanted to play it. Then he asked me how I would feel about playing an unrehearsed drum solo, I agreed reluctantly. We had no time to run the tune, so I just looked over the chart a few times and hoped for the best. I played the head well, but the solo was the most mediocre solo I have ever played. P wanted something really chops heavy and I went for the more tasteful approach. Either way, it would have gone much better had we rehearsed it. So far, this feeling of mediocrity has pervaded everything I’ve played this cruise.

The cruise director does this thing during the welcome aboard show where he brings guests up on stage and has fun with them. He bit off more than he could chew this time and got a guest who was significantly funnier than he was. All of a sudden, I was expected to play rim shots without being told. It was a bit frustrating to have these things expected of me without any notice, but I guess it’s not a big deal really. Either way, this guy was a riot and got a standing ovation.

Monday the realities of this job started to sink in. I slept too late, woke up around two and sat in my room until around three. I felt like a lazy pile, so when dinner rolled around I started a conversation about the musician schedule with the trumpet players. They had gotten up at four in the afternoon and sauntered to the mess to eat dinner as their first meal of the day. It was during this conversation that it hit me, this is the laziest job I have ever had, probably ever will have and I don’t like it at all. I’m a hustler by nature, when I’m working, I like to be doing, not waiting. Here, it feels like I get paid to eat and sleep. I know what you’re thinking, “D, Why are you complaining about getting paid to eat and sleep? I would kill for that!” Well anonymous and curious reader, no you wouldn’t. It would be nice for a few weeks and then you would start to get bored, which is exactly where I am.

My coworkers went on to say that about once a month, they have a few days where they totally question why they are on a ship. They claimed to pull themselves out of this existential crisis by reminding themselves that they are on the path to mastery of their instruments. Here’s the thing, I don't really have a desire to master the drumset, not anymore at least. When I was younger, I was all about it, but now I view myself as a multi-instrumentalist, and I don’t get much of a chance to play anything but the kit here. So, what I asked myself is the same question they get stuck on, why the hell am I here in the middle of the ocean? I have yet to find an answer.

That night the show went on regardless of the shifting ship. The dancers did well, there were a few hickups but all in all it went smoothly. It was also the first time I felt relatively comfortable with this show, which was nice. We played a solid but lackluster dance set afterwards. When the show was over, P pulled the band aside and told us that if the seas are rough, we won’t dock in the Grand Caymans, and we’ll have to play several sets tomorrow. I crossed my fingers for calm seas and went to the bar. Yet again, I spend about an hour there which consisted of a few brief conversations, some binge drinking and some awkward time spent in a circle of yelling entertainment department employees. Things got to my breaking point, so I bailed, tried to drunkenly write this post, failed, and went to bed.

Luckily, today the ocean was forgiving and we docked. I spent the morning in the Caymans catching up with friends on the mainland, then headed back to the ship for a quick bite. I went up to the lido deck for lunch and got scolded by some officer for waiting in line in front of guests. As I ate, I saw him yelling at someone else for sitting at a guest reserved table. I understand someone needs to be an enforcer, but dude was totally power tripping, looked like he was just walking around the dining room looking for people to yell at. We had rehearsal for MA’s show at 2:30. We got a noise complaint during practice, some grumpy guest was not happy with the fact we were playing music. This was the fourth noise complaint made during this cruise, all of them were during performances or rehearsals. Nothing we could really do about it, the guests want entertainment so we just kept practicing.

The rehearsal ended around four, and after a few hours of lounging, I ate an uneventful dinner around six. I have been eating a lot of salads here. The entrees they provide for us in the staff mess are unappealing pretty regularly, so I usually avoid them. The produce we get is decent, so I throw some grilled chicken on top of a salad about once a day. Today the chicken was way overcooked, yesterday it was almost raw. Oh well, I'm getting the food for free so I guess I can't complain. At dinner I spoke with the singer and pianist about boredom on the ship. The pianist is trying to learn Spanish, maybe the two of us can practice together.

Apparently I'm getting better with the MA shows, but this performance did not feel very good. Improvement without any gratification sums up these past few day pretty well, now that I'm comfortable with the material, I'm much less satisfied with what I'm playing. I know there are months and months to perfect them, but I'm just making silly mental mistakes because of a lack of focus. We have yet to have a real train-wreck, but I usually have a few hickups every show. My roommate tells me not to worry about them, mental mistakes happen to everyone, but they are the most noticeable for the drummer.

Speaking of my roommate, it's his last week on the boat. I was wrong about him in a past post, he has a wife back home who he's excited to go see. He told me he doesn't want to leave because P is a good boss and the band here is solid. Honestly, I've warmed up to him much more. I think I had a rocky first few weeks and I wouldn't have liked anyone no matter what. Now that I'm more comfortable and playing better, he's a good guy and has been helping me adjust to life here. It will be sad to see him go, but I get the bottom bunk when he leaves!

After the shows, I went to the mess for my third meal of the day and I sat with a waiter from Hungary. He was a talkative man with a strong accent. The first question he asked me was "why would anyone from the US want to work on a ship?" I told him you can't really have a steady music gig like this anywhere else unless if you're very talented and lucky. He was also curious about traveling in the USA I wanted to know about backpacking around Europe, so we talked about visas and spots to visit. It felt like it was the first real conversation I've had with anyone on the boat. Then I went back to the room and watched some Breaking Bad, I'm almost done with season two now.

It's gonna be a long six months. ‘Til next time…