The crew “lounge” is
pretty much where all the people who don’t want to be recluses spend their
nights. It’s feels desperate, gloomy and generally dungeon-esk whenever I go.
Drinks are cheap, there are some big screens playing sports and a lone, ¾-size
pool table tucked away in the corner. The walls are made of fake wood and tacky,
plastic, 70’s-style decorations shaped like diamonds. The whole lounge is U-shaped
with the bar at the curve and entrances on both sides of the top; this
effectively cuts the whole place in half. Most of the time the bar is
segregated; the English speakers on one side and everyone else on the other.
This would normally depress me, but it doesn’t matter because the music is so
loud that it’s almost impossible to hold a conversation without screaming. As
you can tell, I’m not a huge fan of the place.
We played a motown set
on Monday, and a bunch of the crew came out to dance. It was a good set and the
audience was having fun. Once it was over, a few people mentioned going to the
lounge and I was invited. I was feeling up after the set, so I went. It was an
alright time; I had two or three and introduced myself to a few of the dancers.
They’re so young, still infatuated with their own freedom. I struck up a
conversation with them about a dance collective back in Baltimore that a few of
my acquaintances are involved in. I made them laugh; I don’t think the things I
said were particularly funny, but we were drunk so I guess I could have said
anything. I got bored so I asked the singer about her history on boats and
managing a boyfriend at home. She was bubbly and talkative, happy that someone
was attentive about her personal life.
While I was interested
in the second half of that conversation, playing interested in other people’s
lives is something I do a lot. Most love to talk about themselves, so when I
have nothing to say to them (which is often on this boat), I ask about this or
that, anything just to get someone talking. Sometimes it feels faked to me,
like I have to force myself to be attentive. Other times people are
interesting, but rarely when someone is finished do they say “and what about
you?” People on this boat, especially my co-workers, just seem disinterested in
talking with me; it has been frustrating to say the least. Continually hitting this
wall has made it hard for me to keep trying to connect with these people. I
guess not everyone majored in psychology, so they do get off on knowing
someone’s life story, but even when I try to talk about other things, sometimes
their eyes glaze over and I get a half-hearted “yeah man.” I guess I’m gonna
keep at it, but goddamn…
I had all of Tuesday
off. I spent some time skyping in the Grand Cayman, but most of the day was
spent grasping for things to do. I napped, over-ate and watched too much TV. I
can’t believe how stagnant life out here feels. Even though I have a job and
I’m getting paid the biggest salary I ever have, life in New Jersey and New
Hampshire felt like much more productive times. I know I’m improving as a
musician and some other stuff I guess, but it does not feel that way at all. I
wish I had more to say about my last few days on the boat, but it would really
just be rehashes of the past posts plus “I’m getting better.”
But today was great.
I have two friends who were working out on a sailboat in Cuba and just
finished up their contract with the captain. I worked with these two on the
island I spoke about a few posts ago. They came down to Playa de Carmen and I
took a ferry from Cozumel to meet them. We talked about working on boats and growing
out of being vagabonds over tacos and too much tequila. It was so wonderful to
see friendly, familiar faces. The connections I’ve made on this ship are still
shallow and superficial, I don’t know if they will ever grow past that. Seeing
people who I actually care about and who care about me is invigorating, yet it
makes me homesick and really doesn’t motivate me to stay here. It’s like the
older I get, the harder it is to really meet people. People begin to get
comfortable with their social networks and get lazy about meeting new people. I
know I am guilty of this as well, yet I am fighting against it while I’m here,
trying not to be content with the things I already have.
So, speaking of that
island, I guess I decided to not take the job. It will be there for me if I
want it next year, and I can always make it out to the island come august and
they need end of season pelicans. I just need some time away from there. A lot
of my friends will not be out there and I have a job here so I’m just gonna
push this one out. If I wind up leaving here, I won’t get a chance to run the
kitchen but I can still make it out there and do some work if I want to. On the
other hand, I still am in contact with the island manager and I’m trying to
leave that door open. If I wind up leaving here and I can’t get a job on the
island, I’ll be quite disappointed.
Anyhow, I’m hanging in
here. Almost three weeks in, things have gone from bad to mediocre and
boring, which is an improvement I guess.
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