And I asked myself
about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.
-Kurt Vonnegut
So, I’m on a ship, right? A heavenly pen of steel and
plastic designed to suck money out of people; a place where I blame my own
social isolation on so-called culture and others. I have never been good at
putting myself out there. Friends for me happen over a long period of time,
where I slowly grow on them. Women I have relationships with are always ones I
have known for a long period of time, usually with a drawn out flirtation and
long periods of time spent apart during the courtship. I think most people find
me difficult to understand, I’ve been told multiple times that someone thought
I had no sense of humor when they first met me because I’m so dry and distant.
I don’t know if it’s a fear of putting myself out there, a process where I put
a wall up around myself to assess people, or something else, but when I’m
somewhere new I never feel comfortable. Maybe I am being myself, and I’m just a
reserved person at first. Regardless of what it is, this process of mine makes
awful first impressions, and then when I’m ready to come out of it, it’s always
an uphill battle to get past all that and form relationships. That’s where I’m at
right now.
My dreaming life has been dominated by both the cruise ship
and isolation. Last night I had a dream where, from what I can remember, the
show-band played the music for a performance from the audience. The production
was all about firemen, there was much improvisation by the dancers and singers
and they all were having a blast doing it. The music for the show was mostly by
Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra and Dolly Parton. At the climax of the show, there
is a part where one dancer flings another onto the catwalk of the stage (which
doesn’t exist in real life,) using a ladder, it was all quite impressive. The
whole band comes on stage for that part, everyone but me was off to the sides;
I was smack dab front and center, all alone, blocking the audience’s view of
the spectacle. No one had told me about the stage directions. At the end of the
show, everyone was chatting and laughing about the show, I was left alone to
break down the drumset.
I have a predisposition to blame these things on outside
factors, a psychological phenomenon called “external attribution.” In
textbooks, this tendency is correlated with a stronger self-image and higher
self-esteem, basically saving face. “Internal attribution” is when you blame
yourself, and is linked to lower self-esteem. However, both require a degree of delusional
thinking; obviously things are always a combination of yourself and the environment.
I want to say it’s time for me to stop blaming other things and take responsibility
for my own aloofness, but there is a disconnect between words and actions. I
have said that it’s time to pull myself out of my own introversion many times,
but I’ve found it to only be a temporary fix, if one at all. Time and time again,
I withdraw back into my own world.
But honestly, all this navel-gazing is just mental
masturbation. This week we got a new bass player who shares my name. He is a
friendly French-Canadian with wavy auburn locks, likes goofy music and seems
like he will fit in with the younger crowd of musicians here. Even though he
has done multiple contracts before, it’s reassuring to watch other people have
the same troubles I had with their first week on a ship. We played a dance set
two days ago and he was stumbling over everything. The music did not feel particularly
good, but the Captain of the ship came to our set, stayed the whole night and
then shook the P’s hand after the show, saying that he enjoyed it a lot. That
must count for something.
The new bassist was supposed to be my new roommate, but
there was some drama between the newer sax player and the guitarist.
Apparently, the sax player was trying to sleep when the guitarist brought a
girl back to the room. Sax guy was not happy about this and kicked her out
after a little bit. Then there was a great deal of tension and a confrontation;
the two of them are not speaking now, so I got the sax player and the guitarist
got the bassist. I like my new roommate; we live together well and have similar
interests. He reminds me a lot of a more talkative version of my little cousin
Drew. He is monotonic yet friendly, likes playing jazz, and decked the room out
with a nice entertainment system. It’s nice to be living with someone closer to
my age.
I am on the tail end of two days off in a row. I spent the
majority of my time reading. I re-read Slaughterhouse Five in a 24 hour period,
hence the overblown cynicism, self-awareness and quote at the beginning of this
post. I did most of my reading out on Lido Deck and picked up a lovely sunburn
on my legs during the process. I also spent some time exploring Grand Cayman a
bit more but didn’t really find anything worthwhile, except some of those
famous offshore banks. It does not feel good to do pretty much nothing with
your time off, especially when you spend your time on doing mostly nothing as
well. I know I complain about this A LOT, and it must be kinda dull for the
people who read this blog, so I apologize, but constantly being unoccupied is a
lot harder than it sounds.
The difficulty of being on a ship, for me at least does not
come from the work, which is astoundingly easy, or the lifestyle, which is laid
back and repetitive. The challenge comes from inward; the trouble I have with
initial connections with people and my constant desire to withdraw or bite my
tongue. Dealing with this is more frustrating than it is hard. People have continuously
told me that life is about connections with your fellow humans, and when I have
difficulty doing this it makes me feel like crap. I guess our society values
extroversion, so when I can’t do that at first, the socialized part of my brain
tells me I’m failing. I know that I must come off as snotty or holier-than-thou
to a lot of people on this boat, and that they are right in distancing
themselves from me, but honestly I don’t know what else to do. I have tried
faking friendliness and warmth, and that hasn’t worked well for me either.
Buuuuuuut, honestly, stuff is not that bad. I am slowly
forming bonds and things are improving, I’m just being a little bitch right
now.
Love you all! Toodles!
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